Let’s talk lapse/relapse/slip/crashnburn

So, I was doing great (and I mean that with all the bravado you can imagine). I had not engaged in my addiction for

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Step 9, Round 3, making amends when amends didn’t seem possible

Picture, if you will, yourself as a bloody boxer.  Black eyes, cuts on the cheek, swollen lip.  You’re sitting in the corner with water getting squirted in your mouth and the coach is slapping your face to keep you conscious.  And then the bell rings.  You have to go in again.  That’s kind of how I felt about Step 9.  “Holy crap I’ve got more to do???”  But some of the people on my list are dead! One person on my list is the man with whom I had the encounter on facebook and I cannot get in touch with him again.  His family is on the list, too, there is no way I can walk into that.  If there was ever a situation where it would cause further harm to myself or others, this would be it.  How do you make amends when amends doesn’t seem possible?

Deceased amends

There was one woman I visit taught who passed away in a nursing home a few years back.  Though I visited her mostly months I felt like I could have done more, but willfully didn’t.   Thinking about her, even though she had passed, still filled me with guilt.  Most of the time I shoved it away, but it always resurfaced when I drove by a nursing home or visited someone who was sick.  Hence, I avoided nursing homes or the sick.  How could I make amends.  After discussing this with my sponsor we came up with a few options.  A) I could do something for her surviving daughter.  B) I could adopt a grandparent in the ward or neighborhood as a way of making amends.   C) I could make a resolve to be available and prompt when moved upon by the Spirit.  After prayer and consideration, I went with option C.  The reason for this choice was the fact that it was my inability to move when called that lead to my guilt.  This has made a huge difference in my life.  I no longer question, “How am I going to do this when x, y, and z are unknown factors.”  I now can say, “How am I going to do this when I know a, b, and c are factors.  I can work with/around them.”  My offering of amends was accepted by the Lord.  How do I know?  Those feelings of guilt are gone.  Nursing homes, sick beds, hospitals are no more cause for alarm or worry or stress or hopelessness.

Amends when doing so would cause harm to myself or others

I needed to make amends to the facebook man and his family.  But how?  I couldn’t contact him ever again, couldn’t open that door again.  I didn’t want to cause further pain to his family and I didn’t know how much they were even aware.  How could I make amends for that wrong.  Again, my sponsor’s input was invaluable as she gave me a list of possible options.  A) I could do something anonymous for their family.  B) I could donate to a charity that was related to their family.  C) I could teach against the dangers of the media and immorality and the law of chastity to those with whom I come in contact.  I went with option C.  Since the media and its hooks and snares helped get me into this mess I could speak boldly when I spoke about it to others.  I used to be embarrassed when the morality talk came up with the youth.  I know it needed to be done, but I didn’t know how to speak about it.  Now that is not an issue.  I know how to talk and testify of it without being graphic, too personal, or insensitive.  I also know how to speak boldly because I get it now.  Boy, do I get it.  If my testimony can help one person avoid my pitfalls then something good can come of this mess.  When I decided to go with option C, I took it a step further.  I wrote him and his family a letter apologizing.  I didn’t place any blame except the part I took on myself.  It was awful.  I sealed the letter, put a stamp on it and walked over to the shredder.  I remember sitting with the letter over the shredder holding it there for a long time.  I knew that when I shredded that letter a whole new life would begin and I would have to shut the door on that experience.  I wouldn’t be able to use it as a club to beat myself up, either.  I said a prayer and put it in the shredder and cried.

The Lord accepted this offering, too.  I was free.

Step 9, Round 2, amends to my immediate family

“ROUND TWOOOOO!!”  (That was me imitating the Wii boxing announcer)

Okay I had a bunch of letters written and speeches prepared.  Now onto those things that a speech or letter couldn’t fix.

Weighty Amends:

When looking at my immediate family I couldn’t figure out how I could possibly make amends.  If you owe money, you pay it back.  If I had an online affair, how do I take back the pain I gave to my husband?  How do I give back to my children the time I wasn’t there?  This took prayer.  Lots of it.  The list of making amends was overwhelming.  Guilt (my old friend) and shame (my newer friend) tried to be my constant companion in this process.  Like giving birth, my only hope was to push through the process until the pain had passed.

My husband and my children were not as difficult as I had imagined.  While engaging in my addiction my family was left with an absent and emotionally volatile wife/mother.  I knew I couldn’t allow my addiction to bring me to this point again.  Living the 12 Steps would now be a life-long process.  I could not afford myself the luxury of living a life unhealed.  I could never let myself be put in this situation again.  I wondered why people would keep going to meetings when they were abstinent.  Seemed like a lot  of time and a lot to ask a person.  Little did I know that the price of going to an hour meeting once a week was pittance in comparison to the price of a relapse.  Relapse sucks (I had a quite a few lapses by this time), so I’ll take the meetings!

My husband is not vindictive, nor does he harbor grudges, nor is he suspicious or paranoid.  That being said, I decided to leave my life open to him completely.  No hidden passwords, no deleting emails, no phone conversations that he was not aware of.  I didn’t want him to ever have reason to suspect me of that sort of behavior again.  I started turning down friend requests from men on facebook (even from “safe” sources, like my stake president) and made sure all correspondence with the males left on my fb account were done in the public forum, no private messages or chats.  One of the men in the ARP group requested a quote from a meeting.  I wanted to get it done quickly and facebook seemed the easiest way to do that.  I was challenged with keeping confidentiality and yet wanting to not have private messages with men.  After prayer, this was solved by my posting publicly that I sent him the quote to his inbox and simultaneously sending just the quote, no conversation, to him.  There would no longer be any question of my hiding something.

How had my relationship with my husband changed?  I can see my husband more as God sees him.  I used to see failure when I looked at him and now I am in complete awe of how amazing a person my husband is.  His ability to forgive and love is something I may never be able to comprehend, but I am finally able to appreciate it because I have been the recipient of it.  I speak with him more and consult with him more.  I used to look at couples and think, “I wonder what they’re hiding.  No couple can truly be happy.”  Well, now I get the happiness.  There is no one I would rather be with than my husband.

I prayed to know how to make amends to my children.  I felt like I had missed out on a few years of their childhood.  They were still young, so I decided to make a conscious effort to not dwell on who they had been or who they might have been had I been more present, but I would focus more on who they are now.  I spent more one-on-one time with them, looking for ways I could talk with them and listen to them.  I tried to make sure that “me” time didn’t conflict with their best times (ie, “me time” was early in the am or after they had gone to bed).  I made sure I had prepared myself spiritually everyday by reading the scriptures and praying with intent and praying with conscious contact so I could be receptive to their needs.  The result of this was an amazing increase of love and appreciation for these amazing people.  How did I get to be allowed to be surrounded by such greatness?  They had inherited their father’s ability to forgive and move on.  Their response to my asking forgiveness?  “That’s okay, mommy.  Can we play now?”  I still tear up thinking about it.  Step 9 is an absolute gift.

The next post will address my making amends to deceased, unnamed, or missing persons.

Step 9, Round 1, ie face-to-face amends or amends by letter

Did you hear the boxing ring bell go off just now?  It’s time for round 1 of the “Step 9 vs This Mormon Reading Addict” match-up.

As I looked over my list, I could pretty much group my amends into 4 categories:

1.) face-to-face/letter contact

2.)  long-standing and weighty amends that would require much more of me than a simple letter

3.) amends that I didn’t know how to make because the person was unnamed, dead, or missing to me

4.) amends that I didn’t know how to make because to contact them would be harmful to myself and the other person

Working on the amends in group 1 was relatively easy.  I wrote letters to all the people with whom I wanted to make amends.  This helped in a number of ways.  First, writing out my apologies helped provide a framework for how I wanted the face-to-face meeting to go.  Second, I was able to make sure I was approaching the situation with the proper spirit of humility.  Some letters flowed smoother than others.  Some needed multiple revisions.  I found 3 obstacles with this part of my amends.

1.

My sponsor suggested I read the letters to her before I sent them off or approached the person.  I admit my pride was pricked.  “I don’t have to pass it off to you!  I know how to write a letter.  I write fabulous letters!”  But, in keeping with the whole I’ll-do-what-it-takes attitude I submitted my letters to her scrutiny.  And I am so glad I did.  Most of the letters were written exactly as I intended them to be.  Humble, meek, etc., but there were a few that had some issues.  One letter had a line that I had meant to be harmless, but could be taken offensively.  It was best to leave it out.  One letter had a little too much info in it and needed to be trimmed (mostly I was rambling until I felt repentant instead of feeling repentant and then writing the letter).  The last letter didn’t flow at all.

2.

The rambling letter.  I had a heated exchange with someone and the thing I found that was difficult was the fact that, well, I was “right”!  He was totally in the wrong and was condescending and a total jerk and I was probably one of the few people who stood up to his rude self.  Unfortunately, I did it in the hallway of the church in front of other people and I was totally in attack-dog mode.  Boy, that making amends to him was a hard pill to swallow.  I was sorry for the manner of our exchange, but I so wasn’t sorry for the content.  I prayed and had to constantly remind myself that this wasn’t about him, it was about me (my sponsor also reminded me this as did the Lord.  I need multiple reminders).  I also thought of how the situation would have been different if I had been calm and approached him differently.  That helped me write a sincere apology.

3.

The letter that didn’t make much sense.  After reading it my sponsor asked me if I heard how convoluted my apology seemed and how the rhythm felt very staccato.  After trying to rework the letter (and having no success) I realized that the person I was trying to make amends with was actually someone I needed to forgive.  Looking back I realized I hadn’t done anything to him directly; I masked all my feelings.  I did not do anything to him personally except for  harbor a deep-seated ill-will.  I thought that because I felt such negative emotions I must have to apologize.  No, I felt such negative emotions because I hadn’t forgiven him.  “How strange,” I thought, “I’m usually such a forgiving person.” (After working the program a few times I realized that I probably will never say that again! Lol!)  A strong negative feeling alone does not necessarily mean I acted inappropriately to others.   It means I am acting harmfully to my spirit and relationship with God.  I needed to learn how to distinguish acts against man and acts against myself (like being unforgiving or unwilling to let go of anger/shame/guilt).

The next post will deal with the amends to those most affected by my addiction:  my family.

Step 8

“Step 8 was an opportunity to make a plan to clean up the wreckage and rebuild all that could be saved.” (ARP manual, pg. 47)

As I looked at Step 8 I thought, “This is going to be a breeze.  I have all the names in my step 4 and want them off the list!”  I sat down with my computer and made 2 columns, labeled “To Forgive”, “To Seek Forgiveness From”, and started to write.  Having been as honest and as thorough as possible in my step 4 facilitated doing my step 8.  There were two main issues I had the first time I did Step 8.  The biggest obstacle I faced in doing Step 8, was Step 9.  All of my difficulties in completing my Step centered around my concerns about how Step 9 would even be possible.  I’d think, “What am I going to do to make amends?  I don’t even know their name, ” or “Well, I can’t make amends here because they’re dead,” or “Just looking at this name makes me feel overwhelmed with guilt.  To make amends and stay sober is going to be impossible.”

Again, my sponsor was invaluable.  She would point out to me again and again that I was trying to skip to Step 9, that Step 8 is only about making a list and becoming willing to make amends.  That’s it.  End of story.  I didn’t have to know how it was going to happen.  I didn’t have to actually make amends at this time.  I just had to make the list and become willing.  Now that I could do.  Having surmounted my long jumping problem, I could finish Step 8.

After some discussion with my sponsor we both came to the conclusion that it would be best if I finished my Step 9 before I had the baby.  That gave one and a half months.  Yay, another deadline!

Step 7

“We now clearly see that we have been making unreasonable demands upon ourselves, upon others, and upon God.” — AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (Step 7, 38% on Kindle)

With all the flowers (and my imminent landscaping metaphor) you would think I have a green thumb.  Au contraire.  I do much better with people than plants.  In fact, I’m, well, rather compulsive with my gardening {surprise}.  I dig, fertilize, plant and tend…for about a month and a half.  Then I’m done, tired, overwhelmed and could honestly care less (well, okay, I care a little) if it goes to weed, my cucumbers grow the size of watermelons, and the herbs flower.

That’s a pretty accurate description of my spiritual landscape.  Some of the landscape looks great.  It has been dug, fertilized, planted and pruned.  I could step back and feel so great about my beautiful patch of hard work.  Then I’d turn around and other parts have been neglected and are overgrown, over sunned, and under nourished.  To tend it all was too much.  Just when I’d finish with one part of my yard and feel really good about it I would look over and see another problem in the corner.  Overwhelmed, I would turn my back, go inside, shut the door and take a nap.  It’s like the spinning plate metaphor, where the person tries to keep all the plates spinning on these tall skinny stems.  I just couldn’t do it all by myself.  And, if I was being completely honest with myself, I didn’t want to.  Funny that although I absolutely refused to reach out to others (because I could do it alone, I take care of my own, etc, etc) I was begging on the inside not to go it alone.  I would get so angry and frustrated and depressed because I was dependent on the sun, the wind, my husband, the birds, etc to keep this garden going and nobody was cooperating.  During the active addiction years, I would turn to my books and their substitutes (men, movies, whatever could get me the fix) for help.  They were what I call “dependable.”  It didn’t make the problem go away, but it did provide a Barcalounger where I could put my feet up and shut my eyes.

Working step 7 was the first time in years I turned to the Lord asking for help with my weaknesses, instead of help with an outcome.  Instead of saying, “Please make the sun shine less in that corner,” I could say, “Please help me to not be so prideful and stubborn.”  Instead of, “Lord, please stop letting the darn birds that fly over my garden poop mimosa tree seeds that are impossible to weed,” I could say, “Lord, please remove my tendency to justify my bad behavior.”   Instead of, “Please tell me why I’m so lazy,” I can say, “Please help me with my impatience.”  Instead of, “Please tell me what I need to say to make my husband help me,” I now say, “Please remove my vanity and self-righteous behavior.”  All the years spent in isolation and utter loneliness were starting to thin.  I could now hope that I wouldn’t have to go it alone.  I didn’t have to rely on other imperfect people and my imperfect perception of them.  In true honesty (about myself and what I was coming to learn about God) I did not have to be alone.  I was beginning to glimpse true independence in this world and it looked nothing like my self-imposed isolation.